Finding Life

I should have known better, everyone warned me but I believed in love and I ignored the warning signs. So here I am being strong and putting my big girl panties on and moving on with my life. For years I believed in this person, I believed he was good deep down and that he was just misunderstood. 'If only people would really know him' was something I would say. Maybe he really loved me, maybe he didn't. I'd like to think that there was a little bit of love there just to make myself feel better but looking back at everything I truly have my doubts which leaves me with a heavy heart.

I did everything I could for this boy. I gave him my whole heart. Loved him fiercely and without hesitation. I supported him with everything I had. Believed in him and loved him with every ounce of life I had!! I turned my life upside down to bring him home to me, losing friends and lying to family. The dream I was waiting for shattered pretty quickly with blaring arguments, throwing of objects, emotional and physical intimidation tactics, the name calling and then finally presence of physical aggression.

Having the strength to say enough is enough is gut wrenching when you love someone as much as I did him, but that wasn't love .Walking away from someone who you felt was your other half, that person you are totally and completely yourself with. In our good times, I was more myself with him than I feel I can be with my own family. At the same time, the bad days out numbered the good days and to survive you crawl inside yourself to make it through the day. You disconnect yourself from friends and family, you lose interest in hobbies and your pleasures. You become a shell of yourself. You silently scream for help. You pray it will get better but deep down you know it won't, so you wait for the right time to leave.

As with any breakup there is always that feeling of loss. I miss the part of him that was my best friend. I miss DJ Special Ed and Shortbus Shorty. I miss the sense of belonging to something. I miss the times when I felt safe in his arms. I miss all the good about him. I miss the idea of starting a family. I miss the beating of that little heart. Wherever you are, I loved you and I hope you know how much I wished for you, my little cookie.

I know my heart will never be the same. It will heal in time, but I'm different now. I feel like a stranger, I look in the mirror and I don't really know who Is looking back at me. I get up everyday and head out to life and pretend I am put together and some days I feel good and other days are seriously a lot like hell. I have to reinvent myself. I have to find that person I remember being. The silly, goofy, crazy, strange white lady. So here I go, starting from scratch and finding life again!