Confession

I have had my lap band for just over 3 years now and anyone who is a skeptic who thinks this was any easy way out is totally wrong. Once again I stand by the words that weight loss surgery is not the end all be all of losing weight. It is a tool and only a tool. It takes work, strength, determination and self control. Somewhere in the last year I lost the strength and determination that I felt since the day I had surgery.

I worked my ass off everyday with diet and exercise to get the weight off. Somewhere in the last year I got lazy and complacent. I haven’t been using the tool, I haven’t been following the rules.

Since this summer I have gained about 15 pounds back and can’t seem to get it back off. Most people think well that’s nothing not a big deal, but in all honesty I feel myself slipping back into old habits, old cravings and ghosts haunting me. I had an adjustment (unfill) back in June and noticed that I could eat whatever I want. So I had been for a while. I have had two fills since then and I still feel like I can eat just as much as I used to.

I have been so stressed out and on edge and I resorted back to using food to help me cope with feelings and urges and just life in general. I haven’t been exercising because of my work schedule which doesn’t help. I thought that I had beat my ghosts and the food demons but I guess not, I guess you just work to keep them at bay. Maybe I got to cocky and too confident. A part of me feels like I am a failure for letting myself gain these 15 pounds back. I am the ‘star’ patient at the surgeons’ office and now I feel like a fake and a failure. I feel like I’ve failed myself.

I have an appointment next week with the surgeon and I am hoping to get an adjustment because I need this. I did some reading about slippage and am wondering if I have pushed myself and ate too much and now maybe my band has moved? All I know is that I need an adjustment and I MUST!!!! get myself back into the gym and working out hard on a regular basis. I have been so depressed about this and furious with myself. How could I work so hard to get it off just to get complacent to let in creep back on me. I NEVER want to be the way I was before and I hate myself for these stupid 15 pounds. I am so scared, scared to death. Food is my addiction and I was cocky enough to think I could beat it forever.

Food is a real life struggle. For those who think ‘well just don’t’ eat it’, if you could live a day in my head then maybe you would understand. I am not even sure what exactly is so void in my life that I need to fill it with food, but it is there and food is my drug of choice. For those who have had surgery, will be getting it and/or thinking getting surgery. Listen up…..The struggle is long and hard and you must truly be committed. Surgery is just the first step in the very long journey. It’s not an easy step and it is certainly not the last.