A Mommy's Prayer

Dear God, Lord, I am so full of anxiety and worry. I worry about so much when it comes to my son, so much at times it is almost crippling. Please help me to relax and enjoy my little guy as he is little and while he grows. Give me the patience to deal with the bumps that will come, give me the strength to get through the tough times and the encouragement to persevere during the trying times. Please give me the clarity I need to distinguish what is best for him and our family and the ability to apply what I am learning. I feel like there is so much I need to know in order to be a good mom, I feel as if there are pieces of information that I am missing and in turn he will miss out and I don’t want that for him. Lord, please help me be a good mom to my son. I want to show him the world and all it has to offer, I want to protect him from the bad and the crazy that it can be. Help me help my son to be well rounded, responsible and respectful. I pray that he becomes a good man who respects life and people. I want him to love animals and music, to laugh and love a lot and to carry a lot of good memories in his lifetime. Help me to teach him fiscal responsibility. I pray that he is curious and wants to learn about all there is in this world. I pray that he will be humble yet confident, comfortable in his own skin, open minded and kindhearted. I pray that he will be open to new cultures and different people. Help me teach him the right things, how to resist peer pressure and how to be his own person. I pray that he develops street smarts, book smarts and common sense but most of all protect him and guide him. There is so much I want for my little guy that I can’t even begin to finish this prayer. Thank you for giving him to me, he is the one I was waiting so long for.

Its been a while

It's been a really long time since I have posted or even thought about posting something to my blog. It’s been almost 3 years and SOOO much in my life has changed, and even with all those changes I feel like I am back to how I used to feel in my old body with my old frustrations plus new demands. After the heartbreak of losing love, I found it again and with this new love comes my little baby boy who is now 6 months old. A lot of my blogging in the past has been about my weight loss journey and so let me start there. In 2012, I had to have my lap-band replaced and with that and the mounting depression I was experiencing I gained 40 pounds. However, I was able to work through my physical and emotional pain with a personal trainer and lost 20 pounds of fat and gained 15 in muscle and I was feeling super good. Fast forward to getting pregnant in December of 2013, I wanted to not gain a lot of weight and wanted to work out throughout my pregnancy but I ended up doing the complete opposite. I couldn't find the energy to get to the gym and my appetite was so wonky that I just ate what I could get down and most of the time it wasn't all that great. The farther along I got in the pregnancy the more I hated how I looked. I carry all my extra weight in my middle section that I never got the pregnancy 'bump' and I just looked more fat than normal. My self-esteem took a huge hit. I had to have an emergency C-section after being induced and the recovery from surgery was so hard for me, physically and psychologically. I could barely move or walk or even put on my own freaking panties. I had done everything for myself 99% of the time and for a couple weeks it hurt so bad do the basics. I had a hard time sleeping and had no interest in food or drink. I felt horrible for not being able to nurse my little guy and felt worried about having to buy formula instead. For the first time in my life I was afraid to be home alone, in my own house that I lived in for years. I felt so unbalanced and out of rhythm. I was super depressed from the moment we got home from the hospital, sobbing constantly and for no reason at all. I felt alone and isolated. Slowly most of those feelings have gone away. I enjoy being home again and I'm okay now with just me and the baby being home alone while daddy is at work. My self-esteem has gone down the shit hole since getting pregnant and hasn't really improved all that much since having the baby. Most of the time I feel super ugly and plain. I haven't really had the urge to start working out again and my stamina is pretty much shot. I want so badly to get back to my surgery goal weight and I really only have like 35 pounds to lose to get there but that 35 feels like 350. At the same time, I know my little boy is going to start being mobile and I need to stamina to be able to keep up with him and I want to be that mom that is engaged in her kids life and not a couch mommy. I want to feel good about myself again, I want to feel pretty and feel like I have that spark that I used to have. I feel kind of discombobulated about who I am now, just when it took me thirty some years to figure myself out and now I have to find myself again. I want to have a good balance of myself and myself as a mommy, but I'm not sure how to do that without feeling selfish or guilty. I've fallen back into my old fat girl eating habits and that makes me so mad at myself. I feel like me from back in 2006 and I have come so far from then that it just makes me so upset that I feel this way again. Please don't misunderstand, I love my little guy. He is the bright spot in my days and can bring a smile to my face in a heartbeat but I don't feel like I am in a happy place. I can't be the first mommy to feel this way, can I? My new journey is to find myself and redefine myself as this mommy and woman and to get back to my happy place.

Dear God, Help!

I thought I was doing alright but for whatever reason today I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed and confussed. I feel like it is 5 steps forward and 20 steps back.

God, I think your testing me to lean on you for comfort and I dont really know how to do that. Can you please just help me out and get me through this pain and loneliness? Help me not miss the things I miss. Help me not love the person who treated me like utter crap. Help me not think about things and wonder. Help me stay away from this danger. Help me find peace. Help me heal. Help me learn to trust people. Help me know what love is. Help me know when its right. Help me know whats true and whats not. Show me the way becaue I feel so lost.

Spring of Renewal

Seems kind of fitting that spring is in a matter of days, the symbolism of renewal and life again matching the renewal and strength I am finding everyday. It feels like it was lifetime ago now even though its just been a few months. As the new year started I felt as if my life had the rug pulled out from under me and life was thrown into a tornado and now here is spring time with the flowers and trees in bloom.

Just a few weeks ago I was writing about the pain I had been feeling, the angst and regrets. However, within the last two weeks I have felt an overwhelming amount of peace in my heart and soul. I really feel that I have made a lot of progress in a short amount of time.

The loss of two things at once can be quite over whelming if you let it get to you. At first I prayed for days that God would take away the pain of losing my little heartbeat and in a short amount of time the pain ease and my heart started to feel at peace. The pain of that loss will always be in my heart but I know that God knows what is best for me.

The pain of the second loss is no where no what it first was. The anger is starting to subside and the love for myself is starting to reemerge. Remembering that there was not much I could do to change it, taking the good, the bad and the lessons learned and moving on. The bridge is burned and flooded. The forgiveness is coming, not that he has asked, but that I am willing and able to despite everything.

Thank God for spring time!

Solitary

Loneliness is a bitch. You think you doing good until that feeling sets in, the feeling of being alone is gut wrenching when you have time to think about it. I lost my best friend. I lost the person I talked to all the time. Yes, the relationship was not healthy but we did have a lot of good times and laughter and that is what I miss. I know that I have to be strong and not give into temptation because that is what got me into this mess in the first place. In the back of my mind I wonder if maybe I truly need to feel this loneliness and trust that God will take care of me. I've heard so many people say this and that they gave it to God and then afterwards they met their husbands. Maybe thats what I need to do.

Seeing Red

Today I feel angry! I want to punch someone in the face, curse someone out or throw and break something. I know this is something that I got myself into this mess, people warned me.
How could you not even fight for me, you did nothing to show me that you really wanted this. How could you say all those things about everything you wanted but the way you acted was like I was
your last priority I LOVED YOU!!! WHEN NO ONE ELSE BELIEVED IN YOU I WAS THERE!!!! When everyone thought you were trash I still loved you and stood up for you!! You broke every promise you made to me! You strung me along, manipulated me!! Did you even love me at all? Was there anything about our relationship that was real? Anything??? You used me every chance you could get! How you can act like I don't even exist? To act like I am nothing to you and you do it so easily, it blows my mind! It really crushing, after all I did and all I gave.


I had been thinking well what if we could go back in time and have a chance to do it all again, but then I got to thinking that you would still the same person. You haven't yet learned, so nothing would be different. You haven't seen anything that you have done or how you've acted against me. I know this to be true because you once said to me 'Well, it's not like I'm punching you in the face'

I guess its just a waste of time for me to even think of the 'what ifs'. Everything is said and done. I just want the pain to go away. I don't want the constant reminders. The pain I feel is so overwhelming and somedays, like yesterday, I felt like I was drowning. I wake up and go to work, go to my other job and exist in this life. WHat a waste of time this all has been!!!!

Finding Life

I should have known better, everyone warned me but I believed in love and I ignored the warning signs. So here I am being strong and putting my big girl panties on and moving on with my life. For years I believed in this person, I believed he was good deep down and that he was just misunderstood. 'If only people would really know him' was something I would say. Maybe he really loved me, maybe he didn't. I'd like to think that there was a little bit of love there just to make myself feel better but looking back at everything I truly have my doubts which leaves me with a heavy heart.

I did everything I could for this boy. I gave him my whole heart. Loved him fiercely and without hesitation. I supported him with everything I had. Believed in him and loved him with every ounce of life I had!! I turned my life upside down to bring him home to me, losing friends and lying to family. The dream I was waiting for shattered pretty quickly with blaring arguments, throwing of objects, emotional and physical intimidation tactics, the name calling and then finally presence of physical aggression.

Having the strength to say enough is enough is gut wrenching when you love someone as much as I did him, but that wasn't love .Walking away from someone who you felt was your other half, that person you are totally and completely yourself with. In our good times, I was more myself with him than I feel I can be with my own family. At the same time, the bad days out numbered the good days and to survive you crawl inside yourself to make it through the day. You disconnect yourself from friends and family, you lose interest in hobbies and your pleasures. You become a shell of yourself. You silently scream for help. You pray it will get better but deep down you know it won't, so you wait for the right time to leave.

As with any breakup there is always that feeling of loss. I miss the part of him that was my best friend. I miss DJ Special Ed and Shortbus Shorty. I miss the sense of belonging to something. I miss the times when I felt safe in his arms. I miss all the good about him. I miss the idea of starting a family. I miss the beating of that little heart. Wherever you are, I loved you and I hope you know how much I wished for you, my little cookie.

I know my heart will never be the same. It will heal in time, but I'm different now. I feel like a stranger, I look in the mirror and I don't really know who Is looking back at me. I get up everyday and head out to life and pretend I am put together and some days I feel good and other days are seriously a lot like hell. I have to reinvent myself. I have to find that person I remember being. The silly, goofy, crazy, strange white lady. So here I go, starting from scratch and finding life again!

Confession

I have had my lap band for just over 3 years now and anyone who is a skeptic who thinks this was any easy way out is totally wrong. Once again I stand by the words that weight loss surgery is not the end all be all of losing weight. It is a tool and only a tool. It takes work, strength, determination and self control. Somewhere in the last year I lost the strength and determination that I felt since the day I had surgery.

I worked my ass off everyday with diet and exercise to get the weight off. Somewhere in the last year I got lazy and complacent. I haven’t been using the tool, I haven’t been following the rules.

Since this summer I have gained about 15 pounds back and can’t seem to get it back off. Most people think well that’s nothing not a big deal, but in all honesty I feel myself slipping back into old habits, old cravings and ghosts haunting me. I had an adjustment (unfill) back in June and noticed that I could eat whatever I want. So I had been for a while. I have had two fills since then and I still feel like I can eat just as much as I used to.

I have been so stressed out and on edge and I resorted back to using food to help me cope with feelings and urges and just life in general. I haven’t been exercising because of my work schedule which doesn’t help. I thought that I had beat my ghosts and the food demons but I guess not, I guess you just work to keep them at bay. Maybe I got to cocky and too confident. A part of me feels like I am a failure for letting myself gain these 15 pounds back. I am the ‘star’ patient at the surgeons’ office and now I feel like a fake and a failure. I feel like I’ve failed myself.

I have an appointment next week with the surgeon and I am hoping to get an adjustment because I need this. I did some reading about slippage and am wondering if I have pushed myself and ate too much and now maybe my band has moved? All I know is that I need an adjustment and I MUST!!!! get myself back into the gym and working out hard on a regular basis. I have been so depressed about this and furious with myself. How could I work so hard to get it off just to get complacent to let in creep back on me. I NEVER want to be the way I was before and I hate myself for these stupid 15 pounds. I am so scared, scared to death. Food is my addiction and I was cocky enough to think I could beat it forever.

Food is a real life struggle. For those who think ‘well just don’t’ eat it’, if you could live a day in my head then maybe you would understand. I am not even sure what exactly is so void in my life that I need to fill it with food, but it is there and food is my drug of choice. For those who have had surgery, will be getting it and/or thinking getting surgery. Listen up…..The struggle is long and hard and you must truly be committed. Surgery is just the first step in the very long journey. It’s not an easy step and it is certainly not the last.

Looking Back

I remember the morning well, it was last May. It was a Friday morning, the weekend of Memorial Day. I was so excited I had to call my mom, she was the first person I told. I was 148.2 pounds! I had done it! I had gone through and found the light at the end of the tunnel. I finally had my dream come true! I had met, was actually under, my goal weight!............Fall of 2004, I was only 24 years old. I tipped the scaled at 280 pounds. I suffered from sleep apnea, insulin resistance, high blood pressure and polycystic ovaries. I was getting ready to leave for work, walking down the steps and I had finally hit my rock bottom. I wanted to die. I really just wanted to die, instead of living as a fat person. I hated the feeling of being in my own skin. I hated myself. I loathed my body. I had no self esteem or self worth. I know that I couldn't’t live my life the way I wanted if I continued down that road! I had to change my life.

For three years I watched my diet and exercised and I had only dropped 50 pounds. It was a great feeling but I felt like a failure because I couldn't’t get any more weight off. I struggled and struggle for another handful of months. Getting frustrated and feeling depressed I ended up gaining 30 of those 50 pounds back. One day at work I was surfing the internet and come across a weight loss surgery. The more I read about it the more it felt like it was for me. It matched perfectly with what I was already doing. So I contacted the doctor and got the ball rolling. I could easily see the light at the end of the tunnel. October 10, 2007 was my day of surgery and it was the day that would end up changing my life. A part of me thought I would wake up and be skinny, though my head knew better. I woke up in a lot of pain and having to pee so badly. At first I had regretted doing the surgery, but only because of the pain. The first few months were difficult because I wanted to eat. I didn’t know how to cope with things in life without using food. It was a difficult transition but in time I was able to deal. Every pound was a milestone. Every new dress size was almost like a miracle to me. Every day at the gym I worked off every extra pound. It was easy to get the pounds on but getting them off was really hard work. Whoever says weight loss surgery is the easy answer, doesn’t truly understand how it works. I worked and sweated off every inch and every pound. I had to take a step back and really look at myself to know that I was actually losing weight. It was like an out of body experience. I couldn’t see the weight come off or how my body was changing. No matter how much I lost, when I looked in the mirror I still always saw the ‘fat’ girl. At first the weight was just melting off and the more I lost the harder it became. I kept pushing and kept exercising and eating healthy and I could see the end in site. I had a few detours along the way but I kept my eyes on the prize and had the faith in myself. I had the determination, the focus and the strength to get to my core and fend off the fat.

Last may, I woke up and weighed myself and I had done it I had lost the weight! I was in tears I was so happy! No longer did I look in the mirror and see the 'fat' girl. I went out and bought a crap load of new clothes that weekend and I finally got that tattoo that I wanted. Maintaining the weight loss is just as hard as losing it. It’s been almost year since that day and I have maintained my loss. It’s been an amazing year. It has been difficult and exciting. I got the weight off and then it came time to look at behaviors and attitudes, looking at my core, my inside, my heart. That transition has been emotionally draining and hard but I am finding my way to who I am and I am so very thankful.

I am so thankful for having this surgery, it literally saved my life. Who knows where I would be today without having the band. I can’t even imagine my life without it now. It wasn’t the easy way out by any means and still some days are easy and there are other days that I still struggle not to shove every bit of food in my mouth. But with the struggles I find joy in the small things that make this journey worth while and I get to enjoy every breath of life that was given to me!! I am still determined, determined to make sure it stays off and determined that I will never be that person, physically and emotionally, AGAIN! I AM BEAUTIFUL AND LIFE IS GOOD!!

Skeletons

I know that I have changed. I don’t know how many people have seen the change but I see it, feel it and live it. But when is the past far away enough to not be judge by it or feel effected by it? Doesn’t the past just ever go away? Will it haunt me forever…personally and professionally? What about when personal and professional mistakes collide, then what? What do you do when you find that a ‘friend’ has trashed talked you? Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I didn’t, maybe its karma for my mistakes against them. I tried my hardest to make up for my transgression against this person. No matter what I’ve done, how hard I tried, no matter how many times I have tried to lay an olive branch down it, it feels like it has never been good enough. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried or continued to try it was never the same between us. I know this person hasn’t fully forgiven me and probably never will. In a way, it’s okay because I have been told that forgiveness is between a single person and God. I’ve done what I could do, I paid the price and thought I paid dearly for it though I am wondering after all this time, if this person was truly ever my friend. Now finding this new information, putting the pieces to the puzzle together, some things make sense all the while its down right confusing. Is what I did, on a personal level, bad enough that years later they feel the need to talk trash about me professionally? Are they even related? A part of me isn’t really surprised but a part of me is quite hurt that they would do something like that.

Looking back I can see my mistakes in life and in my work. I can see the things I have done wrong and NOW I see how I should have handle things, the things I should have done or the ways I should have behaved or things I should have listened to. I can’t take any of it back now however all I want is for people to see how I have changed. Which seems like a rather difficult task, but maybe it’s not for them to notice. In the past I was never fully in-tune with my emotions, I was never in touch with my feelings. I over reacted instead of listening. I got angry quickly and blew up because that’s the only way I knew how to react. I was a reactor and not a listener. I did things for attention. I have always felt invisible and I craved attention and I did things in order to get attention, to feel as if someone would see me, for someone to love me. I have few regrets, but this one a big one for me.

I am learning, everyday I am learning about myself. I’m learning my emotions, feelings and thoughts. I am learning about me. I kind of feel like Julia Roberts in ‘Runaway Bride’, the character did things to please others and never really knew herself. That’s how I feel. I have always done other things to please people and while most of the time things turned out good, I did it for them. I am learning what I want isn’t always what other think I should do. I am learning to trust my gut and go with what I WANT. Screw what other people think, right? That is very difficult to do especially when it those that are close to you telling you that what you want is wrong. Despite all that I am trying new things, stepping out of my comfort zone, stepping out of my box challenging myself. Challenging what I think, what I want and how I feel. I’m thinking for myself and I am following my heart. What scares me the most is that I know I will disappoint a lot of people with my decisions and thoughts but I know that I have to follow my heart.