Its been a while

It's been a really long time since I have posted or even thought about posting something to my blog. It’s been almost 3 years and SOOO much in my life has changed, and even with all those changes I feel like I am back to how I used to feel in my old body with my old frustrations plus new demands. After the heartbreak of losing love, I found it again and with this new love comes my little baby boy who is now 6 months old. A lot of my blogging in the past has been about my weight loss journey and so let me start there. In 2012, I had to have my lap-band replaced and with that and the mounting depression I was experiencing I gained 40 pounds. However, I was able to work through my physical and emotional pain with a personal trainer and lost 20 pounds of fat and gained 15 in muscle and I was feeling super good. Fast forward to getting pregnant in December of 2013, I wanted to not gain a lot of weight and wanted to work out throughout my pregnancy but I ended up doing the complete opposite. I couldn't find the energy to get to the gym and my appetite was so wonky that I just ate what I could get down and most of the time it wasn't all that great. The farther along I got in the pregnancy the more I hated how I looked. I carry all my extra weight in my middle section that I never got the pregnancy 'bump' and I just looked more fat than normal. My self-esteem took a huge hit. I had to have an emergency C-section after being induced and the recovery from surgery was so hard for me, physically and psychologically. I could barely move or walk or even put on my own freaking panties. I had done everything for myself 99% of the time and for a couple weeks it hurt so bad do the basics. I had a hard time sleeping and had no interest in food or drink. I felt horrible for not being able to nurse my little guy and felt worried about having to buy formula instead. For the first time in my life I was afraid to be home alone, in my own house that I lived in for years. I felt so unbalanced and out of rhythm. I was super depressed from the moment we got home from the hospital, sobbing constantly and for no reason at all. I felt alone and isolated. Slowly most of those feelings have gone away. I enjoy being home again and I'm okay now with just me and the baby being home alone while daddy is at work. My self-esteem has gone down the shit hole since getting pregnant and hasn't really improved all that much since having the baby. Most of the time I feel super ugly and plain. I haven't really had the urge to start working out again and my stamina is pretty much shot. I want so badly to get back to my surgery goal weight and I really only have like 35 pounds to lose to get there but that 35 feels like 350. At the same time, I know my little boy is going to start being mobile and I need to stamina to be able to keep up with him and I want to be that mom that is engaged in her kids life and not a couch mommy. I want to feel good about myself again, I want to feel pretty and feel like I have that spark that I used to have. I feel kind of discombobulated about who I am now, just when it took me thirty some years to figure myself out and now I have to find myself again. I want to have a good balance of myself and myself as a mommy, but I'm not sure how to do that without feeling selfish or guilty. I've fallen back into my old fat girl eating habits and that makes me so mad at myself. I feel like me from back in 2006 and I have come so far from then that it just makes me so upset that I feel this way again. Please don't misunderstand, I love my little guy. He is the bright spot in my days and can bring a smile to my face in a heartbeat but I don't feel like I am in a happy place. I can't be the first mommy to feel this way, can I? My new journey is to find myself and redefine myself as this mommy and woman and to get back to my happy place.