Looking Back

I remember the morning well, it was last May. It was a Friday morning, the weekend of Memorial Day. I was so excited I had to call my mom, she was the first person I told. I was 148.2 pounds! I had done it! I had gone through and found the light at the end of the tunnel. I finally had my dream come true! I had met, was actually under, my goal weight!............Fall of 2004, I was only 24 years old. I tipped the scaled at 280 pounds. I suffered from sleep apnea, insulin resistance, high blood pressure and polycystic ovaries. I was getting ready to leave for work, walking down the steps and I had finally hit my rock bottom. I wanted to die. I really just wanted to die, instead of living as a fat person. I hated the feeling of being in my own skin. I hated myself. I loathed my body. I had no self esteem or self worth. I know that I couldn't’t live my life the way I wanted if I continued down that road! I had to change my life.

For three years I watched my diet and exercised and I had only dropped 50 pounds. It was a great feeling but I felt like a failure because I couldn't’t get any more weight off. I struggled and struggle for another handful of months. Getting frustrated and feeling depressed I ended up gaining 30 of those 50 pounds back. One day at work I was surfing the internet and come across a weight loss surgery. The more I read about it the more it felt like it was for me. It matched perfectly with what I was already doing. So I contacted the doctor and got the ball rolling. I could easily see the light at the end of the tunnel. October 10, 2007 was my day of surgery and it was the day that would end up changing my life. A part of me thought I would wake up and be skinny, though my head knew better. I woke up in a lot of pain and having to pee so badly. At first I had regretted doing the surgery, but only because of the pain. The first few months were difficult because I wanted to eat. I didn’t know how to cope with things in life without using food. It was a difficult transition but in time I was able to deal. Every pound was a milestone. Every new dress size was almost like a miracle to me. Every day at the gym I worked off every extra pound. It was easy to get the pounds on but getting them off was really hard work. Whoever says weight loss surgery is the easy answer, doesn’t truly understand how it works. I worked and sweated off every inch and every pound. I had to take a step back and really look at myself to know that I was actually losing weight. It was like an out of body experience. I couldn’t see the weight come off or how my body was changing. No matter how much I lost, when I looked in the mirror I still always saw the ‘fat’ girl. At first the weight was just melting off and the more I lost the harder it became. I kept pushing and kept exercising and eating healthy and I could see the end in site. I had a few detours along the way but I kept my eyes on the prize and had the faith in myself. I had the determination, the focus and the strength to get to my core and fend off the fat.

Last may, I woke up and weighed myself and I had done it I had lost the weight! I was in tears I was so happy! No longer did I look in the mirror and see the 'fat' girl. I went out and bought a crap load of new clothes that weekend and I finally got that tattoo that I wanted. Maintaining the weight loss is just as hard as losing it. It’s been almost year since that day and I have maintained my loss. It’s been an amazing year. It has been difficult and exciting. I got the weight off and then it came time to look at behaviors and attitudes, looking at my core, my inside, my heart. That transition has been emotionally draining and hard but I am finding my way to who I am and I am so very thankful.

I am so thankful for having this surgery, it literally saved my life. Who knows where I would be today without having the band. I can’t even imagine my life without it now. It wasn’t the easy way out by any means and still some days are easy and there are other days that I still struggle not to shove every bit of food in my mouth. But with the struggles I find joy in the small things that make this journey worth while and I get to enjoy every breath of life that was given to me!! I am still determined, determined to make sure it stays off and determined that I will never be that person, physically and emotionally, AGAIN! I AM BEAUTIFUL AND LIFE IS GOOD!!