Skeletons

I know that I have changed. I don’t know how many people have seen the change but I see it, feel it and live it. But when is the past far away enough to not be judge by it or feel effected by it? Doesn’t the past just ever go away? Will it haunt me forever…personally and professionally? What about when personal and professional mistakes collide, then what? What do you do when you find that a ‘friend’ has trashed talked you? Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I didn’t, maybe its karma for my mistakes against them. I tried my hardest to make up for my transgression against this person. No matter what I’ve done, how hard I tried, no matter how many times I have tried to lay an olive branch down it, it feels like it has never been good enough. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried or continued to try it was never the same between us. I know this person hasn’t fully forgiven me and probably never will. In a way, it’s okay because I have been told that forgiveness is between a single person and God. I’ve done what I could do, I paid the price and thought I paid dearly for it though I am wondering after all this time, if this person was truly ever my friend. Now finding this new information, putting the pieces to the puzzle together, some things make sense all the while its down right confusing. Is what I did, on a personal level, bad enough that years later they feel the need to talk trash about me professionally? Are they even related? A part of me isn’t really surprised but a part of me is quite hurt that they would do something like that.

Looking back I can see my mistakes in life and in my work. I can see the things I have done wrong and NOW I see how I should have handle things, the things I should have done or the ways I should have behaved or things I should have listened to. I can’t take any of it back now however all I want is for people to see how I have changed. Which seems like a rather difficult task, but maybe it’s not for them to notice. In the past I was never fully in-tune with my emotions, I was never in touch with my feelings. I over reacted instead of listening. I got angry quickly and blew up because that’s the only way I knew how to react. I was a reactor and not a listener. I did things for attention. I have always felt invisible and I craved attention and I did things in order to get attention, to feel as if someone would see me, for someone to love me. I have few regrets, but this one a big one for me.

I am learning, everyday I am learning about myself. I’m learning my emotions, feelings and thoughts. I am learning about me. I kind of feel like Julia Roberts in ‘Runaway Bride’, the character did things to please others and never really knew herself. That’s how I feel. I have always done other things to please people and while most of the time things turned out good, I did it for them. I am learning what I want isn’t always what other think I should do. I am learning to trust my gut and go with what I WANT. Screw what other people think, right? That is very difficult to do especially when it those that are close to you telling you that what you want is wrong. Despite all that I am trying new things, stepping out of my comfort zone, stepping out of my box challenging myself. Challenging what I think, what I want and how I feel. I’m thinking for myself and I am following my heart. What scares me the most is that I know I will disappoint a lot of people with my decisions and thoughts but I know that I have to follow my heart.