Demons

A part of having the surgery was allowing myself to gett down to the actual issues I have internally. I will say that a lot of my issues come from the traumatic relationship I had in college and the aftermath of it. The saying of 'when it rains, it pours', is so freaking true. I feel like I'm riding on a fence now...its way too easy to do the things I used to do and not think twice about it, but then the other part of me, the fighter, the one who wants to change tells me no dont do it. Its a bitter struggle that I've been handling lately and its gotten me quiet frustrated to the point where I was crying yesterday as I left work. I realize that when you are trying to improve yourself the devil always tries to rear his ugly ass head and tempt you with your old ways. I finally have enough gumpshin to call myself out and check myself and be okay with it. I am human and imperfect and will always make mistakes but at least I am making a lot less mistakes. Even though that means I will have less people in my life, I know I'll be rewarded someday with a person that has exceptional quality. Someone who will bless with me everything I've ever needed. I've realized the things I've done over the years were because I never ever wanted to be alone and I wanted that inital gratification that left me empty afterwards. I want to be loved so badly and so deeply that I sometimes forget that that doesn't mean I need to settle for less than I deserve, but my selfish side wants that intial satisfication of some human touch.
The food demons are gone and for once my head is clear and concise about food. I am still tempted but I haven't had many cravings for the 'old foods' I would normally eat. I think 2 or 3 times before I put food in my mouth. I pay a lot more attention to what I do it, when I eat it and why I am eating it. I have so much clarity when it comes to food these days, its absolutely amazing. I thought that that was going to be the toughest part of all, but its not really.
As the weight comes off the more I'll deal with these so called demons and the more I'll learn about myself...so bear with me and keep me uplifted!